He Language vs She Language

It has occurred to me lately that there is a great possibility that my husband and I are speaking two different languages. I know this isn't shocking to most of you. Many famous psychologists have written books that made millions of dollars from people hoping that the book had the key to unlock the mystery of their spouse. Right? So it seems to me that with ALL of that information out there, that we should somehow have found a way to interpret and communicate through each others special languages. How come we haven't figured it out yet?

Here's the latest example, in a long line, of a huge miscue that has led to the unfortunate typing of this post :)

This past weekend, my husband and I had the opportunity to go to a remarkable wedding. A close friend of mine from high school was getting married, and it was simply breathtaking. She picked out every last detail to perfection. I count myself lucky to have been invited. Two days before the special event, I shopped in another close friends closet for that perfect outfit that shouts, "I'm sorta hot" and yet makes you feel comfortable and you don't need to suck in the whole time. Luckily, she had the perfect shirt! I paired it off with a sleek pair of black dress pants, and hot little pair of slingback pumps. I felt fabulous! Apparently, I was the only one who noticed. My husband either didn't get the memo, or went blind for the day and had NOTHING to say. I tried to encourage a compliment out of him by paying a compliment to him first. Isn't that pathetic? But in the desperate need of reaffirmation from the man who sleeps next to me at night, I tried with great effort for a bit of repayment from him. It might have well have been the microwave in the gourmet cooking store. No where to be found. So much for coercion..

Thankfully, I was slightly caught up in the moment of my friends special day, and the magic that weddings seem to create, that I managed to overlook my husband's obvious idiocy. The evening passed effortlessly and before I knew it, it was time to go home. At some point, the lack of a compliment must have latched on to my internal "self-esteem" organ like a tape worm, and has been growing ever since. When it reached the stage where my body could no longer contain the foreign entity, I was forced to "spill" it out here.

This is where I make the "She Language vs He Language" connection. Are you ready for it? What I am about to say is almost as easy to grasp as the now very popular phrase, "He's just not that into you". Okay here it is:

She Language: "Honey, you look great tonight"
He Language: nothing verbal. He will grab your breast in agreement

She Language: "I'm so in love with you"
He Language: nothing verbal. He will most likely grope you about an hour later while you are trying to do dishes with your yellow rubber gloves on.

She Language: "Lets talk"
He Language: smacks your ass = maybe later

So there you have it ladies. While we (females) have lived gloriously in our Homosapien bodies for thousands of years, our male counterparts have bought into the whole "evolution" theory and have been living as primates. I suppose the next time you (female) have something important to communicate with your spouse (male), then I suggest yanking on his penis, squeezing his testicles ,and thrusting your tongue in his ear :) He might understand you that way, or in the very least, be incapacitated enough to listen to you.