So here it is...my first blog. Maybe now I can give my poor husband some piece and quiet, as this will be the place for my ramblings. So I've been inspired to blog from my cousin Erin. She is so raw and unihibited in her blog, as she needs to be. Erin just lost her beautiful baby. I think I will remember the phonecall from my mom telling about it, for the rest of my life. My first emotion-shock. My second emotion-guilt. I am very very different from Erin. I am very concrete and conservative, and she is very open and liberal. I have three wonderful children and I believe, for the most part, that I've done a pretty good job raising them. Erin and I were preggo with our babies roughly the same time. I had Hannah in August, and Erin had Birdie in March. My Hannah is alive and well with me today. Her Birdie is not. I read her blog almost everyday and I continue to struggle with what happened. I can't tell her this...I think it would make her angry. It didn't happen to me and I therefore don't have the right to hurt over it. It's hard to feel this way....
Birdies death has changed me. I'm so much more patient with my children, giving to them much more of my time. I quit my job as a teacher in a preschool to be able to stay home with my kids. I am going to homeschool them because we can not afford to send them to a private school without me working, and Noah is terrified of going to a public school. We are actively involved in extracurricular activities and my children are well socialized...so please don't try to argue that I'm going to be raising social misfits if I homeschool. That will just show me that you are completely uneducated about the benefits of homeschooling, and I don't have time for your ignorance. I can boldly say that, because I didn't think a whole lot differently about a year ago. I am also still nursing my baby (she's almost a year) and my reason may seem so weird. Erin was so excited to nurse her little baby, and then she couldn't. I can't imagine what it must have felt like for her when her milk came in and she had no baby to feed. I nurse Hannah because I am able to, and the bond that it has created between her and I is amazing. I don't think I would have made it through the difficult moments of nursing (biting, blistered nipples, etc), but I did it for Birdie. Birdie's death changed me, and I can't wait to thank her someday. I know that I'll get a chance to meet her and I find peace in knowing that she's up with our Saviour.
Okay, so I've finally been able to express all of my pent up feelings about a baby and mom that I was barely close to, but yet changed me so much. This blog is my selfish place to release any uncomfortable thought that I may have. I don't intend for it to help anyone, or to cause anyone argument. This is my space where I won't worry about how I might sound or feel.
-Meg
1 comment:
meg.
i just wrote you a super long comment, and I dont know what happened to it!
there is a ton of info out there about healthy/organic eating for you and your children, your whole family.
here are some links:
http://www.veganoutreach.org/
http://www.vegancooking.com
http://veganeating.blogspot.com
http://veganlunchbox.blogspot.com
In short: Dairy, Meat, Eggs unless you shop at Whole FOods, Wild Oats or other natural/organic store and the meat etc. says that it is organic and has an USDA organic label its not healthy to eat or drink it.
Do you have a local dairy near you?
Organic milk does not contain hormones etc. Our Family Farms I beleive is a local group of 8 organic milk farmers in Mass....I think that Stop and Shop sells that brand.
Organics are more expensive, but in the long run they are healthier for everyone.
I also wanted to say that its so good to hear you purge about when you became pregnant for the first time. Meg, you are right it could have happened to anyone. I want to say that in my eyes it does not matter that you were not married, that is so not important. There are MUCH worse things in this world. You are not a bad person, and don't beat yourself up for that.
The way that you were treated is unforgivable. It still pains me to this day that (excuse me but I have to say this) because of your fathers religion that you could not see the father of your child, and to think that a whole community of his piers were in on that? THAT IS SO F-ING childish!
That is rediculous, and I did not know that everyone was in on it. Everyone was in on opresing the father of your baby...
meg. yes we are different, but you obviously can still think for yourself, your individual judgement has not been completely fogged.
Keep purging about these feelings, it is SO HEALTHY to not deny yourself the need to let it out!
Keeping this shit inside you will only bring more pain.
Also, it is so lovely how you honor my daughter. Meg, I urge you to nurse your babe for as long as you can! There is absolutely nothing wrong with nursing for as long as you want to! My other cousin Wendy nursed her 1st until he was around 3 yrs. I beleive the longer the better, its natural and its healthy! It makes the bond that much stronger!
I also want you to know that I LOVE to talk about Birdie, and I do like to talk about how I am doing...you can ask me anything, I am an open book.
I fully believe in not holding anything back, or inside. When I was young that was all that I did, and I suffered tremendously for it. My emotions were all messed up, until I worked them out myself. Somehow going to art school and continuing to make are, and now writing have helped me to be an outward person, not an inward person. I see the importance in speaking my mind, telling people what I truely feel...and my mind is that much clearer.
I want to be completely blunt right now, and you will have to excuse me. But I cannot understand/fathom how closed to the world your father has become, how closed to the reality of life as it is...and it had broken me, broken my heart that he has not ackwnoleged my daughter.
He used to be such an open book, such a creative person....
Meg, I know that you love your religion, and I respect your beliefs. But I don't like when people close themselves off to things, to reality...to their families...and that is how it looks to me. If I/we don't see things how he does he closes the door. That is not healthy, its self opresive and ugly.
There is so much going on in the world....SO MUCH! I hope some day he will "open the door" again....and step outside and see the beauty of reality.
Meg. I love you very much....please excuse my need to speak my mind.
Post a Comment